[It starts with — My confusion — My first speech for the Toastmaster meet I wrote it somewhere in August 2012. It was applauded like crazy. As the final draft was handwritten, I guess I misplaced it and there was no video recording. Thanks to the time given by Covid-19. I found the older version while cleaning the cupboard, So, here it is.]
First I thought of giving the title “My experiments with failures” But I was confused as — “Nobody fails, ever. We only get the feedback.”
My confusion revolves around four areas of my life — professional, personnel, spiritual and health.
My mom told me that in life whatever one does is either out of love or fear. I started AAshmam (2006) out of love but ran it for four years — out of fear. Dragged it actually till I was exhausted from working 36 hours daily. My confusion is why it didn’t work out? It had a strong base — focussed on AI, honest advisors, good project portfolios and excellent team. Whereas my brothers have been doing successful business without any advisory board or underlying framework.
Possible faults could be:
One person team — Nay. I know many IT firms run by one man team and they do well.
Lack of leadership — I don’t think so.
Marketing Failure — I’ve read Philips Kotler Bible of marketing — twice.
Men’s World — What the hell I’m talking about? We live in the 21st century.
Cashflow — There needs to be a cash flow cycle but I was focussed on a research based approach.
I’m single because B always stood for business not for boyfriend. Marriage leads to happiness and then depression as majority of men and women become obese after marriage. I’m in a relationship and confused. What sort of marriage will it be? Will it be a marriage of companionship, marriage of compromise or marriage of compassion?
Goal of life is self realization and writing leads to the path of self discovery. I have been writing daily diaries to God since childhood. Have written two novels and a poetry book. But, they are not published yet. I feel demotivated to write as I received rejections from the literary agents. But I’m a good writer, blessed with immense imagination. My poetry became famous on facebook overnite. My confusion is to keep writing for spiritual growth or write for visible success because success is all about being honest to yourself.
I want to lose weight. Fast. But, it’s happening at a slow speed. My big question is why especially when I workout so much and do diet also?
But, despite all the confusions I have, I would conclude with this famous quote by Dr. Iqbal-
“Khudi ko kar buland itna ke har taqdeer se pehle
Khuda bande se khud pooche bata teri raza kya hai.”
Meaning — Be so strong and powerful that God Himself asks you before writing your destiny — What do you want me to do for you?
9th June 2020
When I wrote “My Confusions” I didn’t know any investor boosting the value of failure, I hadn’t seen the video of Vinod Khosla emphasising the importance of failure. And in fact many prominent investors later on were seen saying the same thing except Eric Weinstein who shared failure is forced at times. After watching the Bret Weinstein, Heather Weinstein and Evergreen story, I could relate how many times failure was forced upon me as I had a similar incident happen with me in IIM-A. The entire class was standing against me. And this pattern had repeated many a times with me.
So now, I revisit the four areas of my life and get rid of all the confusion.
Just looking at the faults.
One person team + leadership — I’m enough. I as a one person team is enough. Stephan Wolfram is my role model for that. Remote work is a blessing for the introverts and the environment. I’m so glad AAshman failed. I was overwhelmed to manage a team of 6 to 30 people in person because I’m a hypersensitive being.
Marketing — Marketing is the key but VALUE is the king. Pandemic has opened many eyes. Value is going to rise and hopefully one day I write the latest edition of Philip’s Kotler.
Men’s World — I never saw men as threatening because my dad told me I’m equal to seven sons. But, I never knew that unknowingly I hurt their ego. Though that’s not my responsibility if a person has a high ego. There are men out there who consider themselves humans first. And naturally I connect with them easily as I’m human, too.
Cashflow — Extremely important.
I know many families out there living happily where a man and woman are nurturing each other. Good to know my earlier relationships were one sided and highly abusive because my mom had abused me since birth, I went for a similar pattern. Now, I know. I hope I’m married to a highly sensitive man.
Writing is the best of the spiritual journey. I write with consciousness. Not only it shows me the path but reveals many hidden secrets and unseen things of my own life. I write daily.
So I lost weight and I maintain it always. And I do it for the world. I have built — www.FoodFeedsTheMind.com not only to shed weight but to shed diseases too. I’m proud of myself.
To conclude — My covert narcissistic mom often said I’m a failure(still says). I took it to heart. I have always worked hard day and night but couldn’t succeed because failure was forced upon me. Earlier there used to be a force that had always stood against me at home, college, office and even among friends. If you are reading it you will get it if you know the story of 57 cops who resigned as two cops were suspended for shoving a 75 years old.
Now, that unseen force has perished. As I know these people are not adults with morals but little children with high ego and zero morals, I tackle them. And I understand clearly that education does not teach morality.
Now, I succeed in whatever I do.