An Ode To My Narcissistic Mom

A followup to Holy Cow! My Mom Is Trump!

a) Thank you for letting me walk to the school on my own when I was only five years old. The school was Happy Nursery School on the Bungalow road, New Delhi. I would walk twice the secluded area between Hans Raj College and St. Stephans college in the heart of Delhi University in the afternoon and evening. People would cease to walk in the evening in this area as it was known for burglars and ghost stories. The ridge area was known as jungle. I would cross Hans Raj College hostel daily. Luckily, I was always protected and I’m always protected by mother nature. You must have lied to dad because I would reach home by 5.30 pm and he would reach home by 6 pm. Mom, I forgive you because walking alone has made me so courageous and independent that now I can walk anywhere in the universe. And you know what, walking is meditation for me. Walking has made me a writer as walking helps us think.

b) I forgive you for lying. I never knew you lie. I got to know only in March 2019. And it was so shocking for me to know you lie because you only made me honest. Thank you for making me so so so darn honest. You won’t believe it but what I say or write authentically often comes true. For example in my first novel the antagonist transforms into a healer and stays by the beach. It came true. The Chicken Meditation is true. It’s your and my story but I didn’t know.

c) I forgive you for never hugging me, never holding me tight or never touching me, forget love. I really do not have any memory since my childhood where you are caressing me except once, in kindergarten when I got typhoid and you were bringing me back from the hospital or doctor. It was only for a second. A pat on the cheek. In tenth grade when my maths answer sheet was snatched in mass copying, I came home crying and I was crying for hours because board exams are big thing in Delhi and especially maths for which I studied hard for whole year. You were there. But not for once you hugged me or caressed me or said anything. Dad distracted me. He diverted my attention and made me quiet. But, dad was no more in Neeraj’s wedding. I was crying nonstop and was wondering why I’m crying so much. I didn’t know that being an empath if you are in pain you absorb the pain of everyone. It was a huge gathering. But you didn’t pat me once or sat next to me. There is no picture of you and me on his wedding. I forgive you. And I was so married to you that all my passwords were Asha + mamu. I even named my AI company AAshmam: your name and my name. I’m so happy that AAshmam failed though I worked hard for four years. Had it been successful, I wouldn’t have seen true you.

d) Thank you for discarding me repeatedly. More me time made me me. When I went to Pune for job. It was heaven. My morning walks were in Osho Garden and my evening walks were in Race course. I requested you repeatedly to visit me. You never came. You did. Twice. But, that was not to see how am I or to spend time with me. I was in Pune on and off for a decade. I was in Vizag, the city of destiny, by the beach, for five years. You never visited me once. I pity at your stupidity and my stupidity. How could I not see it all? I did see it. A part of me knew. That’s why I never reciprocated any move by any guy. Rather, I would distance from the guys because I was afraid what they will think about my mom.

e) I forgive you for snatching the happiness of my dad. I remember how disturbed he had become after identifying true you. I didn’t know then. I connect the dots now decades later. He said you do not love him on your face. And you looked at him as if it was a big insult. You gaslighted him. You took him to the mental hospital with the help of my paternal cousins. Why didn’t you request your brothers who visited our house often? Was it the shame or a manipulative move? I don’t know. But, you gaslighted dad big time. I know. He got electric shocks and never went against you after that. You controlled him then onwards because those electric shocks were never repeated just like he was never mentally sick again. You won. But, he was your buddy. What you got out of this insanity. His love? I pity you. And I forgive you for being so self-destructive. I draw this inspiration from a guy in Landmark who was sexually abused repeatedly as a child. He forgave that priest in front of me. He said, “It was not his fault. I forgive him.” I forgive you for my own sanity but I do not condone what you did to my dad. You committed a crime. Brutal, so cruel.

f) I forgive you for doing something to Jimmy, our dog. I’m not sure about this. I do not have any factual proof. And I can be wrong in this but you might be jealous and envious of Jimmy because Neeraj was so much in love with him. As I look back and see why cute Jimmy got polio legs. I thought he was vaccinated. And then Jimmy suddenly ran away from the hospital because you actually didn’t care of keeping him close to you. You were jealous because he played with us and because he played with us he got the attention of all of your kids and not you. Maybe because I was very happy with him and so was Neeraj, your golden child, my bro. He loved Jimmy more than me and it was unbearable to you. God bless you if you have done wrong to Jimmy

h) I forgive you. You! You stopped me from oil painting saying it’s not good, not the paintings they are beautiful but painting so much is not healthy because I would be happy with every stroke of brush. How could you not be happy by my happiness and talent? Anyways I switched from oil to water from water to pencil drawing from pencils to digital painting and animation. Had you encouraged me or allowed me to do oil painting more, I wouldn’t have digged deeper. I never created mess while painting. You blamed me for creating mess. You gaslighted me and I thought it’s true. So, I’m became more cleaner and organized. Thank you.

i) Thank you for discouraging me to go to the beauty parlor. They are such a waste of time and money. But, I did go once when I wanted to cut my long hair and the beautician refused and scolded sweetly in front of you, not to cut the long hair. I am so thankful to you and that lady for that. I never knew I am an empath and I just can’t let any self-absorbed beautician touch me because I feel that negative aura.

j) As I write this article, I can feel what it is like to come out as gay or bi or drug addict or rape victim because it take guts to stand and share with the world that your biological mom is a narcissistic, who never loved herself, who doesn’t know what love is, who can never have empathy for you and who has never in true sense cared or shared with you anything literally. Thank you mom for existing. Thank you. Just thank you.

k) Thank you for ruining my few relationships because I didn’t know I was falling for narcissistic and abusive people like you. Had I been married, it would have been a catastrophe for that poor soul and me because just like all the covert narcissist you would have divided and ruled and ruined because my tears are you supply to your schadenfreude.

l) Thank you for not letting me have friends. You always found fault in my friends or their mom or their family. So, I would stop speaking with them to keep you happy. Now, I’m my best friend and I have friends across the globe who love me and respect me for who I am. They are there for me and I’m there for them.

m) I forgive you mom for never rooting for me. I used to wonder why you’re like that.

I stand for myself first and I stand for me even if the world is not standing by me. I’m Howard Roark. I roar. I’m the fountainhead.

Thanks to you mom. I forgive you for not being my mom but a five year old monster girl, jealous of my smile. I’ve nurtured you since my childhood and in-turn nature has always nurtured me. I’m so close to the sky, the sun, the moon, the trees, the ocean and the sand that I’m always happy. This is no secret but truth, they mother me, they literally mother me.

n) Thank you mom. I trusted you. I never friended anyone who disrespected their mother and who questioned me, “Why do you talk about your mom so much?” What you have done will help me trust the world more because I trust myself. And because I trust myself, I trust the universe.

o) Thank you for being my mom. As Matt Kahn says -”We are not born to our parents, we are born through them.” Thank you for gaslighting me for decades. You’ve trained me enough to rise with empaths. If someone says — I don’t deserve this job, I don’t deserve to travel, I don’t deserve to study, I don’t deserve to marry, I don’t deserve to smile…I know they’re gaslighting. All because of you mom. Thank you so much. I always said Trump inspires me. If he can be the president I can doanything. Now, you inspire me. If you can be a mom I can be a far better and loving mom than you. Thanks to you.

p) Thank you mom for destroying me so much that I’m free.

I forgive you. You called me fat when I was thin. I can see what gaslighting does. I eat when I’m angry with you. I jog and I overeat when I feel I’m not in love with myself. I accept this challenge.

p) Thank you for your love for money. You love me when I make money. You are so easy peasy.

q) Thank you for not liking me. I super super like me. I adore myself more than anybody else in this world.

r) Thank you for devaluing me. I just focused on skills, skills, skills and skills just to be accepted. So, I do animation, coding, writing, jogging and yoga and much much more, you don’t even know.

s) Thank you for disrespecting me umpteen number of times. I was so prone to abuse, I forgot what self respect is. Now, I value my self respect more than any thing.

t) You have given me a lot of sermons. You never used them. Many sermons you used were for your fun, to taunt me and for scapegoating me. One is Pade Pharasi Beche Tel ye Dekho Kudrat Ke Khel. Meaning — you are educated but you are making a living by doing a low grade job. Mom, I thought you never liked me to study. Once you taunted, “Had you not been educated, it would have been easier to marry you.” Then another, “If you wouldn’t have studied I would have married you to XYZ.” My brother’s friend who was already married. As a matter of fact you have never wanted me to get married. In July 2018, I told you about a guy who liked me and he wanted to date me again but I was finding his manner weird and his job description did not make sense of what he is doing. When I asked you, you said, “Shame on you. How disgusting? This is no age to marry. And March 2019, you told me to have a child by getting a sperm donor. Another sermon is “Rani Si So Goli Hui And Goli Si So Rani Hui” meaning — one who was the queen became maid and one who was the maid became queen. You said it many a times. I knew you were referring it to me but I would think that it’s with referral to fathers of my SILs as they both are shrewd men. I’m the oldest child in the house and they never respected me. And it’s inhumane in a way — the way they entered in the lives of my brothers as my dad was no more. I felt I was removed from my house. But, I couldn’t see it coming from your heart. All because, I was my dad’s princess. But you, you were not your dad’s princess. And as I see it clearly now, you were envious of this fact.

u) Thank you for never being there for me. I wish, you would have bonded with me once. You never bonded once. Mom, universe is one. We all are connected. I got angels unseen — guiding me somehow. I forgive you for never connecting with me.

This is a picture from my bathroom. Somewhere in Aug 2019, I was crying and remembering my dad. I saw this lady holding a sea wave in the form of a child. One look at this picture and I stopped crying.

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PS: I’m not concerned if the world believes me or not. I’m concerned about my brothers. They are married to my mom. Whatsapp pic of one of my bro is that of my mom. When I shared the point ‘a’ : they were emotionally unavailable. But I know, decades back if someone said anything negative about my mom I would stop speaking with that person. It’s called Cognitive Dissonance or Stockholm syndrome

Love Watercolors, Food, Python, R and Words.